LOL!!! Awesome!!!

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    SensGirl11
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    LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by SensGirl11 on Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:12 pm

    A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary,
    For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    ________________________________
    MONDAY:
    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

    Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

    ________________________________
    TUESDAY:
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

    _______________________________
    WEDNESDAY:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other Dung too.

    _______________________________
    THURSDAY:
    bunghole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny Wing Dang Doodle to find me.

    Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
    _________________________________
    FRIDAY:
    I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

    Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    ________________________________
    SATURDAY:
    Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    ________________________________
    SUNDAY:
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!



    :^^^: :^^^: :^^^: :^^^: :^^^: :^^^: :^^^:
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    SensGirl11
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by SensGirl11 on Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:16 pm

    Bringing it back.

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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by SensFan71 on Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:16 pm

    oh that is too damn funny :^^^^:
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by PTFlea on Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:21 pm

    Holy Dung that was hilarious.

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

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    PKC
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by PKC on Thu Apr 30, 2009 6:42 pm

    Am I the only one who didn't find that particularly funny?
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by Nasty Nas on Thu Apr 30, 2009 8:01 pm

    PKC wrote:Am I the only one who didn't find that particularly funny?

    Nope, I'm still trying to find a funny part.
    I guess everyones humour is just different

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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by Guest on Thu Apr 30, 2009 8:15 pm

    I didn't find it funny either...
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by caissie_1 on Fri May 01, 2009 6:40 pm

    It wasnt too bad. Not great but not bad...
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by Phoenix30 on Fri May 01, 2009 6:43 pm

    Boooooooooooooooooo not so funny.
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by Phoenix30 on Fri May 01, 2009 6:43 pm

    Good try though.
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by SensGirl11 on Mon May 04, 2009 11:48 am

    No sense of humour here for anyone? Really? I don't know, I thought it was a perfectly executed joke. I have only come across the 4 here that don't find it funny...oh well, too bad for you. Sarcasm

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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by Guest on Mon May 04, 2009 12:02 pm

    Along the same lines

    Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
    December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the seasonand the wife and I took our Wang and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

    December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
    I'm glad he's our neighbour.

    December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

    December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
    December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my Donkey on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
    freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white Dung fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the bunghole is lying.

    December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

    December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplough, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a Wing Dang Doodle who drives that snow plough I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

    December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $15,000 to replace all my pipes.

    December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE Wing Dang Doodle is driving me crazy!!!

    December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does she think I am?

    December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his Donkey. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

    December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

    January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keepgiving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by Guest on Mon May 04, 2009 12:06 pm

    hmm...i never thought I'd see C0cktails replaced by wang...
    the joke loses something when moded.
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    Re: LOL!!! Awesome!!!

    Post by SensGirl11 on Mon May 04, 2009 2:06 pm

    Laughing3 That's a good one!!

    These are the best parts for sure..

    Snow packed so hard by snowplough, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a Wing Dang Doodle who drives that snow plough I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

    December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does she think I am?

    December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his Donkey. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

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