All right, so al-Qaeda is still giving us a little bit of trouble.
We haven't found bin Laden yet, and I guess there're still these little
cells of them all over the place. But we shouldn't let that crush our
spirit, because we'll get 'em. America always wins at the end, in wars
or in anything else. I don't know what's taking so long over there, but
I do know this: If al-Qaeda had a hockey team, we'd totally kick its
Can you imagine? It'd be so sweet. We'd have the advantage before
the puck even dropped. First of all, they'd be from the Middle East,
which is no hockey powerhouse. I'll bet their ice always melts down
before the game's even over. Plus, their rink would probably be all
bombed out. Or it'd be in a tent or something. And you know al-Qaeda's
hockey uniforms would be totally ugly, with stupid colors and all kinds
of Allah Dung all over them. The jerseys would have those big long
Ramalama bin Dingdong names on the back, and those Arabic numbers they
use over there.
But America's team...
Well, players from everywhere would be jumping to sign on, man! We'd
have no problem assembling a kick-Donkey international coalition to play
the al-Qaeda if we wanted, but America would have to be firm and say,
"Sorry friends, this game's ours."
So, who would we get to go head-to-head with those terrorist
Diddlers? Only our most bad-assed pros! Now, I know some people would
want to go all Lake Placid and use amateurs, but, hey, did al-Qaeda use
amateur terrorists on the World Trade Center? Hell, no. So we'd get
pros like Brett Hull, the best American scorer ever, and skills guys
like Mike Modano. We'd add in some hard guys who don't mind going into
the corners or dropping the gloves if the sticks come up—I'm thinking,
like, Jeremy Roenick on this one. And the capper? Flourtown's own Mike
Richter comes out of retirement to play goal, baby! And if they get in
the crease, Rafalski takes 'em out. Face it: On paper, al-Qaeda's
But then they'd get to the game, right? And it'd be awesome! Because
they'd have to have it in Madison Square Garden, on account of who the
Dung wants to go to Afghanistan?
President Bush'd be there to fire up our skaters by looking right at
the al-Qaeda bench and repeating his warning to all terrorists: "Bring
it on!" The crowd would go nuts! Everyone would be going so crazy,
they'd hardly hear Ted Nugent sing the national anthem! The camera
would cut to the al-Qaeda bench, and they'd all be sitting in their
towel helmets thinking, "Oh, Dung, what the Diddle did we get ourselves
Now, I'm not saying it'd be total cake. Everyone knows those guys
are crafty little Diddlers who don't play fair. They'd probably try to
overload one side or the other, then suicide-crash the net to try to
sneak the puck in. They might even go a goal up on us late in the first
period, because you know Team USA would come out of the gate all fired
up, and that level of emotion can get you in turnover trouble.
So let's be realistic here—the first period might be closer than a
lot of people would like. But that'd just give those bastards a false
sense of security, because 20 minutes against our seasoned pros would
be enough to rag their legs out big time. So the second-period horn
goes, and here's my prediction: four goals in the first 10 minutes,
baby, if not five! Bet your Donkey there's a hattie for my man Brett Hull.
So of course al-Qaeda starts getting chippy and the sticks come up,
but that plays right into our hands. We'll be going, "Okay, al-Qaeda,
you wanna get aggressive? You like that? Jump in, buds!" And then the
whistles start going, because you don't think al-Qaeda gets the
officials on their side in Madison Square Garden, do you? Diddle nah.
So, of course, then we'd get the power play. And face it, at that
point, the game's pretty much over for them. They have to ask the crowd
to stop chanting "USA! USA! USA!" But guess what, man? We ain't gonna
stop! So al-Qaeda pulls their goalie, and while they're trying for the
extra-man goal in garbage time to save face, they fail to notice one
important detail: the Navy SEALs coming down from the ceilings and
walls to capture everyone on the al-Qaeda bench. 'Cause there's no way
we're letting those half-assed-hockey-playing terrorist bastards just
waltz out the door. And that's how the greatest hockey game in history
Man, those guys better hope we never catch them on skates.